“Every Scar is Proof I Tried” | “back to life” by Stray Kids’ HAN
I truly don’t know where to start with this one. Han blows me away every time he releases a song, and I love digging into the lyrics and everything he…
I truly don’t know where to start with this one. Han blows me away every time he releases a song, and I love digging into the lyrics and everything he says about his songs – the inspiration, the behind the scenes of music video concepts, everything. So let’s get right into it.
Couple disclaimers: I don’t speak Korean. I am using my limited SKZ knowledge and the English translations from Genius. These are my own thoughts based on those translations and not meant to be a definitive interpretation.
Here’s the video to watch/listen to as you read the lyrics:
This song dropped May 8th and immediately blew up. The same day, there was a Naver article published talking about it and announcing that we are going to be getting a SKZ-PLAYER from each member of Stray Kids this year. Exciting!
Two days later, Han did a live on Fans to talk about the song. Here are a couple of things of note:
He wrote the song in 2024. In the live, he couldn’t quite remember, but in the making film, he found the original draft. And he said he wrote it the same day he wrote “Raining Stars.”
He really wanted to make a rock song at the time, so he laid down a track and wrote some English lyrics. But when he pulled it back out to re-record, he had ELVYN (a songwriter for K-Pop and J-Pop groups) refresh the lyrics so they were more grammatically correct in English.
The M/V concept is a time loop, getting stuck and having to break out of it.
This is not a new concept for Han or for Stray Kids in general. Struggle and hardship and pushing through are going to be (and have been) running motifs in these deep dives. To take a very recent example, I just covered “Into The Current” last week. And it has VERY similar themes to “Back to Life” even with polar opposite vibes.
Something else that struck me in his live was that Han made the distinction that “Hold My Hand” was half for him, half for people like him, and that “Back to Life” is for other people. I find this fascinating. Because this is obviously coming from a very personal place and is made even more intimate by being in the first person.
We start with this heartbreaking verse:
[Verse 1]
I still don’t know why I should live a lie (Not afraid, not afraid of losing everything I have) Am I wrong or right? You’ll know it in time (I don’t need help, I don’t need help ’cause I can handle anything)
It feels like this internal monologue of someone starting to realize there’s something wrong. And yet there are echoes of despair, of resignation. “Not afraid of losing everything I have” and “I don’t need help ’cause I can handle anything.” These two lines can be interpreted in two very different ways.
“Not afraid of losing everything I have” because I’ve given up and I don’t care anymore? Or “not afraid of losing everything I have” because I see something better and the risk is worth it?
“I don’t need help ’cause I can handle anything” because I’m hyper independent and don’t trust anyone to help me? Or “I don’t need help ’cause I can handle anything” because I’m a badass and I’m going to show you how much of a badass I am despite you trying to drag me down?
I put in the annotations that this verse makes me feel seen in ways I can’t quite express. Because I’ve had this fight with myself, too. On multiple occasions.
We move on to the first pre-chorus and chorus, where he’s starting to fight back. Verse 2 is just as heartbreaking as verse 1:
[Verse 2]
In the sunlight, in the moonlight I was out of sight, did you know? Seems like they really want me to be alone Every story, different endings Let’s see it with our own eyes Walking straight into the future I won’t look back at the past
But it’s more hopeful, too. It’s the realization that things can’t go on like this and vowing to move forward. No matter how many times he falls, he’s going to get back up.
And that’s what I really came away with in this song – hope. It’s raw and loud and vulnerable. But there’s so much hope.
We’re leaving no room for regret, cut the fake, just stick to the truth
I’m aiming high to feel alive Nothing’s gonna drag me down Every scar is proof I tried
Yeah, you know I don’t care how many times I fall ‘Cause I’ll comе back to life
Walking straight into the future I won’t look back at the past
Who I used to be, I’ll forget, take a breath, become someone new
Finally, I’m now breaking free Racing to the place that makes us who we are
Han is the master of the one liner. So many times I read his lyrics and there’s just something that catches me right in the feels and stays there.
And all of these lines are so hopeful. That’s where Han saying this is for other people hit me so hard. This is him saying he’s done it, and we can, too. It’s hard and messy and painful, but possible. The very last line of the outro sums it up really well: “Come, let’s go back to life.” Not “I’ll come back to life.” It changes. It’s him beckoning us to come along, to go back to life. Go back to living.
It makes me think about the phrase “back to life” differently in the rest of the song, too. It’s a double meaning. (And we know how much Han loves his double meanings.) It’s “back to life” in the literal sense of being resurrected from the dead, coming back stronger. But also “back to life” in that he is coming back to his life. Living.
That’s the tie to “Into the Current.” The whole analogy in that song is a fish stuck in a fishbowl, alive but not really living, being called to the sea, breaking out, and finding freedom. (The fact that he can write essentially the same story in two wildly different ways that appeal to so many different people is amazing.)
The music video is the same vibe. Like I said earlier, he wanted it to be a time loop. In his FANS live, he explained it as being stuck – either in a slump, in worries, etc. – and as you get more scars, you realize that you’ve been stuck doing the same thing over and over. And as you try to break out of the loop, there are hands trying to drag you back down, and you’re fighting against them to escape and live your life freely.
It fits both the theme and the aesthetics with things exploding, glass breaking and being repaired, little time skips back and forth like a record scratch, and Inception-esque shots of seeing himself on a TV screen within a mirror within a framed picture. You get that same feeling of loud and messy and vulnerable and hopeful all at once.
And of course, I can’t not think about the time this song was written. We don’t know exactly when in 2024 it was written, but 2024 is a huge year in Han “lore.” For most of 2023, he was in a pretty rough place mentally. We all know the SKZ LOG from STAYweek 2023 where he was withdrawn and quiet and later talked about feeling physically sick that day from anxiety. A lot of content from then is the same with varying levels of intensity and obviousness.
The moment everyone cites as the turning point is in SKZ Code Ep. 51: Know Know Camping #1 that dropped almost ten months after the 2023 STAYweek SKZ LOG. At the very beginning, Han is, well, being Han. He’s loud and giggly and dramatic. And Seungmin says “Han Jisungie is back!” He – and the rest of the members – have since alluded to that time in 2 Kids Rooms episodes and other content as well.
So, I can’t help but wonder how much of this song was a result of that time, of feeling like he was coming “back to life” in both meanings of the phrase. He doesn’t say that specifically in anything I’ve found, so it’s all speculation. But we know he writes from his own experiences and feelings and I don’t think it’s far fetched to assume it to some degree.
Either way, Han has always been open about his mental health. And he and the other members aren’t shy in talking about hard times they’ve gone through throughout their career. It makes it into their songs often in lots of different ways through lots of different emotions.
And really, I think Han summed it up well in the M/V making film. He was filming the part of the video where he’s fighting against wind and debris to get to the light, to escape the time loop. And he says, very seriously:
“It’s acting drawn from real life. Everyday life acting. Because we’re running after the light. We always keep that kind of stance. We’re going at it with everything we’ve got.”
I’m not sure if he was talking specifically about himself and the members or of the collective “we.” But both are powerful. And hopeful! We’re running after the light and giving it everything we’ve got. And no matter how many times we fall, we can get back up stronger than ever.
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